Why Tough Emotions Belong in Living
Tough emotions are part of our contract with life. — Susan David
—What lingers after this line?
One-minute reflection
Why might this line matter today, not tomorrow?
A Contract You Don’t Sign but Keep
Susan David’s line frames emotional pain not as a personal malfunction but as a built-in term of being alive. The word “contract” is especially clarifying: it implies inevitability, reciprocity, and responsibility—if you want a life with meaning, attachment, and growth, you also inherit disappointment, grief, and fear. From that starting point, the quote quietly pushes back against the modern hope that good living should feel good most of the time. Instead, it suggests that the presence of tough emotions is evidence of participation in life, not failure at it.
Pain as Proof of Values
Once we accept the contract, the next question becomes what tough emotions are actually pointing to. David’s broader work on emotional agility argues that feelings are data—signals about needs and values rather than commands to obey. Grief can indicate love; anxiety can indicate uncertainty around something you care about; anger can indicate a boundary crossed. In that sense, difficult emotions can be understood as a kind of value-tracking system. They hurt precisely because something important is at stake, and noticing that connection makes the discomfort less random and more interpretable.
The Cost of Avoidance and Numbing
If tough emotions are part of the deal, then trying to eliminate them entirely often backfires. Avoidance can shrink life: we skip conversations, opportunities, or relationships to dodge discomfort, only to discover the avoidance creates new distress—loneliness, regret, or stagnation. Moreover, numbing tends to be indiscriminate: what blunts sorrow can also blunt joy. This is why many therapeutic approaches emphasize that the goal isn’t to feel less, but to relate differently to what we feel—making room for pain without letting it dictate every next step.
Emotional Agility: Feeling Fully, Choosing Wisely
Building on that, the quote aligns with a practical stance: acknowledge the emotion, name it accurately, and then decide how to act in ways consistent with your values. David describes this as emotional agility—creating a small space between feeling and behavior so that anxiety doesn’t automatically become avoidance, and anger doesn’t automatically become escalation. A simple example is the moment before a hard conversation: you might notice fear and still speak honestly, because honesty matters more than temporary comfort. The emotion remains present, but it no longer owns the steering wheel.
Resilience as Honest Engagement, Not Positivity
Finally, seeing tough emotions as contractual reframes resilience. Resilience isn’t perpetual optimism; it’s the capacity to experience what’s real without collapsing or pretending it isn’t happening. Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning (1946) similarly suggests that suffering can coexist with purpose when people connect their pain to what they choose to stand for. In the end, David’s statement is both sobering and liberating: life does not promise comfort, but it does offer depth. Accepting that bargain lets difficult emotions become companions in a meaningful journey rather than obstacles that disqualify you from it.