Becoming Over Having: A Journey of Self-Discovery
Ask yourself what you want to be, not what you want to have. — Rachel Naomi Remen
—What lingers after this line?
Distinguishing Being from Having
Rachel Naomi Remen’s quote prompts us to focus on what we wish to become, rather than what we wish to possess. This subtle distinction shifts our attention from external acquisitions—such as money, status, or material goods—to the cultivation of our character and purpose. The question ceases to be, 'What can I accumulate?' and instead becomes, 'Who can I grow into?' Such a redirection invites deeper, more lasting satisfaction.
Legacy and Fulfillment
Following this insight, it is notable that people often find fulfillment and meaning not in their possessions but in their character and contributions. Research on end-of-life reflections, such as those discussed in Bronnie Ware’s 'The Top Five Regrets of the Dying' (2012), reveals that individuals rarely regret not owning more, but deeply value becoming compassionate or authentic individuals. This perspective encourages us to invest our energy in self-development rather than acquisition.
A Philosophical Perspective
Building on this, philosophers like Erich Fromm, in 'To Have or To Be?' (1976), argue that the ‘having’ mode of existence is inherently unfulfilling compared to 'being.' Fromm suggests that a society preoccupied with possessions cultivates insecurity and dissatisfaction, whereas focusing on qualities such as kindness, integrity, or curiosity leads to self-actualization. Such philosophical roots further validate Remen’s advice, suggesting that our true essence lies in our choices about who we are, not what we own.
Practical Application in Daily Life
Furthermore, acting on Remen’s advice can reshape daily decision-making. Instead of setting goals based on acquisition—like “I want a new car”—one might ask, “How can I become more generous, creative, or resilient?” This approach nudges us toward habits and actions that cultivate our ideal selves. For example, volunteering for a cause reflects a desire to be helpful, while practicing daily gratitude extols a wish to be appreciative, rather than to merely have more.
Sustained Growth and Lasting Happiness
Ultimately, pursuing 'being' over 'having' lays the foundation for sustained personal growth and long-term happiness. As our identity is shaped by our intentions and actions, the journey toward becoming aligns with a sense of evolving purpose. In this way, Remen’s guidance does not diminish the value of material comfort but invites us to seek fulfillment at a deeper, more enduring level—one rooted in who we strive to be, not just in what we own.
Recommended Reading
One-minute reflection
What's one small action this suggests?
Related Quotes
6 selectedI didn't know what I wanted to do, but I always knew the woman I wanted to be. — Diane von Furstenberg
Diane von Fürstenberg
Diane von Furstenberg’s line separates two kinds of knowing: the uncertainty of career direction and the clarity of self-concept. Not knowing what you want to do can feel like drift, yet knowing who you want to be provid...
Read full interpretation →You have to be a person first. Everything else comes second. — Katherine May
Katherine May
Katherine May’s line sounds almost obvious at first—be a person first—but its power lies in how often we reverse the order. In daily life, it’s easy to introduce ourselves through our outputs: job titles, productivity, u...
Read full interpretation →I am what time, circumstance, and history have made of me, certainly, but I am also much more than that. — James Baldwin
James Baldwin
Baldwin begins with a candid admission: identity is not formed in a vacuum. Time, circumstance, and history press on a person from birth—through family stories, economic limits, and the public narratives a society assign...
Read full interpretation →I think we are well-advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be. — Joan Didion
Joan Didion
Joan Didion’s line frames personal history as a relationship—one that can be tended, neglected, or openly severed. To be on “nodding terms” is not to embrace every past decision with pride, but to acknowledge that the pe...
Read full interpretation →Stop worrying about your identity and concern yourself with the people you care about. — Zadie Smith
Zadie Smith
Zadie Smith’s line begins by shifting the center of gravity from the self to the circle around us. “Stop worrying” doesn’t deny that identity matters; it suggests that constant self-auditing can become a trap that consum...
Read full interpretation →Identity is not found; it is built through the small, consistent actions you repeat every day. — Unknown
Unknown
The quote challenges a comforting assumption: that identity is a hidden “true self” waiting to be uncovered. Instead, it proposes identity as something constructed—less like archaeology and more like architecture.
Read full interpretation →More From Author
More from Rachel Naomi Remen →