Choose Self-Approval: A Different Path to Growth
Created at: October 7, 2025
You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. — Louise L. Hay
A Turning Point in Self-Talk
Louise L. Hay’s provocation lands with the weight of experience: if years of inner scolding haven’t helped, perhaps another strategy deserves a fair trial. Rather than doubling down on critique, she invites an experiment—approve of yourself and observe the results. This shift is not about denial; it’s about changing the conditions under which change becomes possible. With that reframing, we can move from the question “What’s wrong with me?” to “What do I need to move forward?”—a subtle linguistic pivot that often unlocks new behavior.
Evidence Against the Inner Critic
Research repeatedly shows that harsh self-criticism fuels shame and avoidance, not sustainable growth. Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion (2003) links kinder self-relating to resilience and healthier motivation. Following failures, participants prompted to treat themselves compassionately showed greater willingness to study and improve in the future (Breines & Chen, 2012). Clinically, Paul Gilbert’s Compassion-Focused Therapy (2009) demonstrates how reducing self-attack lowers threat responses and opens space for problem-solving. In short, the data support Hay’s wager: approval isn’t a pat on the back for mediocrity; it’s the context that keeps people engaged when things get hard.
Brains Thrive in Safety, Not Threat
Under self-criticism, the brain’s threat system activates—amygdala firing, cortisol rising—while the prefrontal networks needed for learning and flexibility downshift. By contrast, cues of safety and acceptance restore regulation and broaden attention, making it easier to see options and try again. Stephen Porges’s Polyvagal Theory (2011) describes how a calm, socially safe state supports connection and adaptive action, while Barbara Fredrickson’s broaden-and-build theory (2001) shows positive emotions widen our behavioral repertoire. Thus, approval isn’t indulgence; it’s a neurobiological setup for better choices.
Approval Fuels, Not Excuses, Change
A common fear is that self-approval breeds complacency. Yet acceptance and commitment therapy—Hayes, Strosahl, and Wilson’s model (1999)—pairs acceptance with committed action toward values, showing that acknowledgment can coexist with accountability. Likewise, self-determination theory (Deci & Ryan, 2000) finds that autonomy-supportive warmth strengthens intrinsic motivation, while controlling pressure undermines it. Even growth mindset research (Dweck, 2006) hinges on compassionate framing: mistakes become information, not indictments. In this light, approval functions like good coaching—encouraging, specific, and future-oriented.
Simple Practices to Try Today
Practically, begin by naming the effort before the outcome: “I’m learning, and my persistence matters,” then decide the next small step. Write a short compassionate note to yourself after a setback, as you would to a friend; this normalizes difficulty and restores energy. Rephrase directives from “I must not fail” to “I want to learn X by doing Y,” aligning with values. Finally, spot and use strengths—curiosity, perseverance, kindness—in today’s tasks (Seligman’s strengths approach, Flourish, 2011). Each move turns approval into fuel for action, not a reason to stop.
A Tale of Two Inner Coaches
Consider Maya, preparing for an exam. In week one, her inner critic says, “You’re hopeless,” and she doom-scrolls after a mistake. In week two, she tries Hay’s experiment: “That was hard—and I’m still capable. Next, one practice quiz.” The outcome isn’t instant genius; it’s steadier study, faster recovery from errors, and better sleep. This small narrative echoes laboratory findings: approval doesn’t remove challenges, but it reduces friction so effort sustains. The difference feels ordinary, yet its compounding effects are extraordinary.
Measure What Changes
To close the loop, run a 14-day trial. Each evening, rate three items from 1–10: willingness to re-engage after mistakes, clarity of next steps, and energy at day’s end. Pair those ratings with one approving sentence about the day’s effort and one concrete next action. If the numbers rise—or your recovery time shrinks—you’ll have your answer to Hay’s invitation. And if they don’t, you’ve still learned what to adjust, which is, fittingly, another form of approval in action.