Self-care is also not arguing with people who are committed to misunderstanding you. — Ayishat Akanbi
—What lingers after this line?
Redefining Self-Care Beyond Pampering
Akanbi’s line widens the meaning of self-care from soothing rituals to strategic emotional boundaries. Instead of focusing on what feels pleasant, she points to what preserves your energy: not feeding conversations designed to drain you. In that sense, self-care becomes less about fixing your mood after conflict and more about preventing unnecessary conflict in the first place. From here, the quote invites a practical question: how do you tell the difference between a hard conversation worth having and a performative argument meant to keep you stuck?
When Misunderstanding Is a Choice
The key word is “committed.” People can misunderstand you innocently, especially across differences in culture, experience, or knowledge. But commitment implies intent: they aren’t seeking clarity; they’re seeking leverage. In these moments, every explanation becomes raw material for a new accusation, and the goalposts move as soon as you approach them. Once you recognize that pattern, the interaction changes shape—it stops being a dialogue and starts resembling a trap, where your participation is the resource being extracted.
The Futility of Arguing in Bad Faith
Arguing assumes shared rules: evidence matters, meanings can be agreed upon, and both sides might revise their view. Bad-faith engagement rejects those rules while pretending to follow them. Philosophers have long warned about this kind of exchange; Plato’s Socratic dialogues often contrast sincere inquiry with sophistry, where rhetoric is used to win rather than to understand, as in *Gorgias* (c. 380 BC). Consequently, the healthiest response may not be a better argument but a clearer refusal to play a game built for your defeat.
Emotional Labor and the Hidden Cost
Trying to be understood by someone committed to misunderstanding you demands constant emotional labor: translating yourself, softening your tone, providing context, and still being told you’re unclear or “too sensitive.” Over time, this chips away at self-trust, because you start editing your own reality to fit their narrative. The exhaustion isn’t just from the disagreement; it’s from the endless proving of your basic legitimacy. That’s why stepping back can feel like relief—your nervous system gets a break from a loop that was never designed to resolve.
Boundaries as a Form of Dignity
Refusing the argument doesn’t mean you’re unable to defend your point; it means you’re choosing dignity over depletion. A boundary can be as simple as, “I’m not discussing this with you if you keep misrepresenting what I said,” or “We can revisit this when you’re ready to listen.” These statements aren’t escapes—they’re conditions for respectful communication. And importantly, they shift the focus from winning the debate to protecting your time, your mind, and your sense of self.
Discernment: When to Clarify, When to Exit
Akanbi’s advice isn’t a ban on disagreement; it’s a call for discernment. If someone asks questions, summarizes your point fairly, or changes their stance when presented with new information, clarification is worthwhile. But if they repeatedly distort your words, demand endless explanations, or treat your perspective as inherently suspect, exiting is often the most self-respecting option. In the end, the quote frames self-care as a quiet skill: recognizing who is reaching for understanding—and who is reaching for control—and responding accordingly.
One-minute reflection
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